I can’t remember what it is to feel normal. My thoughts and senses are so contorted and imbalanced, dancing uncontrollably round and round in my head. Efforts at assembling and cohesion are met with terrifying laughter. The spiral only rotates downward. I want to focus, I want to think straight, I just want to be left alone without any of the nauseating ingredients that appear in everything I cook. I can’t avert my gaze, concentration does not exist. Everywhere is dullness and fatigue like a pinball that can’t escape the glass cage on which I am smashed around, solid but feeling every hit.
As a child I used to dream about being trapped in an enormous room with no visible walls only giant oversized ball bearings piled perilously high on a scale that I could not endure never mind compute. I would stand there panic stricken, dumb struck with fear watching the static giant metal orbs malevolently reflect a billion different angles; waiting and waiting for the first clack and for the whole impossible sculpture to come crashing cacophonously down around my ears… And it would, I’d hear the noise - a monstrous version of the executive’s desktop toy reverberating around a metal universe and I’d turn round but the door through which i’d come was gone and all I could see and hear was ball bearings crashing and crackling down on top of each other and on top of me but I’d feel no pressure; no sense of being crushed to death just the terrible clinical movement of sphere in sphere and the awful awesome metallic sound. And I would wake up screaming in a rage of panic and terror desperately trying to tear the ringing out of my ears and scrambling to fix upon anything that had an edge.
